Wednesday, March 12, 2014


There once was a lizard.

He died and went into another dimension.
When he landed on the moon in that dimension he noticed that his fingers were dipped in gold and that he was wearing black horn rimmed glasses.

The moonbots took one look at him and they said.


Whats that said the lizard?

You uffing know. You Reptile! You Hipster! You.... Hipzard!

No bots! I am not one of those! Just a freindly lizz.

Oh really? Prove it! Or wellll. Well Rip you!


Take off your coat, put a song in your throat, and let the dead-beats pound all around.

Ok. um... gimme a minute.

Liz walked over to the nearest moon dune and had a sit. How am I going to accomplish that? Whatever the fuck the moonbots just described? That they want me to do? Lizard began praying to Mighty Tim. The living god of Lizards since the time of the green v. brown lizard wars. It was said Mighty Tim came down and shook the green lizard leader and the Brown lizard leader and made them look at eachother and said. Look at you guys! You both got you some scales and boogly eyes! You are one and the same! Now love one another before its too late and eat some bugs and go bang lizzie ladies and watch out for snakes and birds and cats. THOSE are your enemz. Remember. Venemz and Beaks and Claws. Venemz and Beaks and Claws!

Oh Mighty Tim. You never mentioned Moon Bots!

Just then the green sky ope'd, and Mighty Tim came down to the dune.

Mighty Tim Is that you? 

Mighty Tim said. Lizard. I'm dead too. I cant do shit for ya dude. But, you should know.

The reason for the hipster glasses. you see, you're just here for a spell. This world is not your home. You're just passing through. And before you are on the next one, you have to prove yourself in each realm on your death journey into the Great Wide White. 

Oh. Is that why I am seeing all of these tracers?

Yes. That is why you are seeing all of those tracers.


....I see them too man. I see them too.


Yeah. Anyway when you get plunked down on this moon from the earth life you just came from that guy, wuzzis name? Oh I think its Trent Reznor? Well, the guy who made and makes the rules? He made an edict which states: When the souls of boogly eyed things gets fwapped up into the sky after death they must be prepared to see what they need to see like the front faced eyed among us. So It shall be heretofore made thus: They shall be given specs.

Oh. Ok. Um.... well so then why these guys don't like me?

Because there was once another race on this here moon. I put an end to them myself. Names was the Holly Buddies. They were nothing like Buddy Holly. In fact they were the opposite, but they all looked like him and they made things awful. Among the great travesties they wrought were: Peeling the flesh off moonbots for fun, stealing the gloworbs from their resting place in the great temple of the callipygian honeys, separating the great sands betwixt.... and flooding the deltawhirls. Fuck those guys.

Ok. thankyou Mighty T. But lemme ask you-

OHP! No more time to chat! I have to blast. Good luck dude!!!! Wooooooahhh

Mighty Tim lifted off, above a great conflagration of cloud balls and shot up into the sky. The last the lizard saw of him was a wisen'd glint in this mighty if to say: Lizard. Do your thing.

Oh woe now what? thought the Lizard, feeling Ill.

What did they say "Take off your coat?" But I'm not wearing one!?... Oh wait a minute ! I can shed my shit!

He squeezed and he squeezed and then shed his skin.

Oh man that felt good! Ok now what? "Put a song in your throat!" Well... I suppose I could sing? Is that what that means?

He started to hum Everyday by buddy holly because Mighty Tim had just mentioned it.... then Lizard continued on thinkin. Ok.... well. what was that last thing..... "Let the Dead Beats pawn all raw?" "Hell! eat the dead bats?" 

What did he say? Damn I don't remember it quite right.

Just then a huge wind blew over the dune and into the lizards face. It felt like a great storm was coming. Lizard peered into the moon desert and wondered if he would need to burrow down or something. Suddenly he heard a buzzing sound. Some bee looking things, which were bees, started to slowly land on like a bump in a clearing beneath the dune.... Shit perhaps I should inspect thought the lizard.

He cautiously sauntered over while more and more bees came down to the mound. He could see something writhing under all of the bees.

"..... hhhh he hellllllp......" he heard a voice say.

Oh man this thing is getting all kinds of smothered and maybe stung maybe I should do something?
The lizard whipped his tail back and forth (and the tracers were epic) and the bees started to disperse... revealing one lonely looking thug with a knocked over ducati motorcycle.

Hey thanks man those bees were not joking around

Oh its not a problem. My name is lizard.

I'm Handgun Henstridge. Oye Can you help me get the bike back up?

Sure.... here.... said Lizard. They propped up the bike and Handgun Henstridge started straddle up on the thing. 
Here, hop on up man! I'll take you back to the bar and we could do some shots and I could pay you back for your bee deed.

Oh.... well Ok but I have to do something first otherwise the moonbots told me they are going to rip me. 

Oh those guys? Yeah I've seen them do that before. To a buddy of mine. They were not joking around. What do you need to do? 

They said I have to prove to them that I'm not a Repster. And that I have to "Let the head beets found down a brown crown?"

Fuck you talking about man?

I d'ont know. Lizard frowned bad. I guess I should just give up. Times two. Lizard started thinking what it would be like to get ripped by the moonbots. Did that mean he would be dead again? did that mean he would be in alot of pain? The lizard really didn't like pain. Pain is not something that this lizard needed in his life, any more than you or me. He put his lizard hands on his head.

Hmmm.... wait guy. I think.... Did you say they said "Let the Dead Beats Pound all around?" 

Hey! Yeah thats what they said! Do you know what it means?

No but I think I know somebuh that do.


Yeah man Hop on pop!


Get on the Bike!!!

Just then Lizard felt a weird sense of something. Like Handgun Henstridge maybe wasn't looking out for his best interests. 

Dude I just told you I have to take care of this first.

No you don't! We can come back when we talk to my guy.

Who is your guy?

You don't know him. Just be cool man.Hop on up here and well go visit my guy. Here let me just type his name in my GPS.

Henstridge started reaching for something in the front of his bike. Before he knew what he was doing Lizard tail whipped him good. Knocked a gun out his mitts.

I knew it! You like to shot guns don't you?

Well, Duh! My momma named thusly me di'n'she?  Handgun reached quick for his crotch, where he was known to keep another heater in his days.

Lizard flipped over his front and did a tail slam all flashy and looked knocked the Henstridge and bike back down into the dirt. Take that bitch.Take that Bitch! Lizard was feeling good beating dudes ass but also in a few minutes felt the moral issues involved.

If I leave this guy the bees will come back and they will finish him off. Should I take part in something like that? Is that what Mighty Tim would think was a good idea in this situation? Would I be able to live with myself. Shit.
Lizard put the bike on top of of Handgun and sat down on top of that.... hmmm.... should I wait here? Are the moonbots going to come back? What should I do with my life? 

The wind was getting colder and colder. I have to get underground the Lizard thought. I cant let the dead beats pound if I freeze to death. Lizard started digging, so that he could get Henstridge, the bike and himselves bodies could be under the dirt but they're nostrils (well, the bike didn't need to breathe at least) above ground. This is tough thought Lizard, the grown was harder than he thought it was going to be.... but he dug and dug and got the feeling like he was almost finished, he had made three good ditches when suddenly the dirt beneath the ditch he was digging for the bike started to quicksand. It poured into a big opening beneath. And suddenly they were all falling down.

They landed in a crumple, Henstridge, the Bike and the Lizard. But nobody's back got fucked up. Lizard got up and looked around. It was the living room of the moonbots and they had just popped Transformers 2 into the dvd player. Two moonbots on the couch looked pissed off.

Hey REPSTER whathefuckyoudoing in our den? We are watching this dvd.

Lizard couldn't think of anything to say in the glow of the bigscreen'd FBI warnings. Henstridge started grunting and rubbing his temples. The Bike didn't say anything.

Bitchin Ducati! said a moonbot. Hey shh its starting. The surround sound was fucking excellent.
Wait! Lizard said. Pause it!

uhh.... the other moonbot pointed the remote at the DVD player and paused it.

Thankyou. Moonbots. I aint a Repster. And I dont know what you want of me, but as you can see I have shed my coat and I sang a sweet melody song.... but guys, I don't know how to let the dead beats pound all around.

Fuck man cant we just watch our movie? We will rip you afterwards.

What. Do you want me to do to prove my Non Repster Status!


Wait, said Lizard, do you want to take these? You can keep the bike and this asshole, and....forget about the Deadbeats Pounding thing? You can have these guys and let me go? 

Sure. Sounds good. Lets watch this movie now. 

And, will you.... promise to feed him, this guy?

Ok, he is kind of cute. Dude? said a moonbot to Henstridge. Want some popcorn?

Yeah thankyou.... Said Henstridge as he crawled towards and then sat down on the couch and soon him and the bots were mesmirized by the action packed wonders of the great and mighty Autobots. Nobody could see or sense it but the Ducati was smiling....

The lizard started to vibrate and helicopter his tail upward so he rise get up above the caved in ceiling and leave the moon surface behind. He felt a great buoyancy to his being and felt like he had done the right thing and proven himself in this realm.

On to the next one. thought the lizard....

On to the next one indeed. Said the narrator

Saturday, October 05, 2013

Open letter to Prunicorns,

Open letter to Prunicorns,

Dear prunicorns. When I first learned of your existence I was floored. The fact that there can be unicorns that are prunes, reaches a level of incredulity that far surpasess the fact that there can be unicorns in the first place. Then, I saw your leader Charm Charm on the MTV VMA's doing the nasty-wasty in a not so appropriate way, in fact she was doing it in a notsopropriate way. It was too much. Don't yall know how important it is to maintain a level of high falootin ness in this media cycle? do you want to encourage all of the _icorns of all varieties to behave boguswise? I mean Come on! There are two kind of prunicorns in this world. Nonexistant ones and fresh out the prune jar ones, which are real. It behooves me to think of what it must involve for you to make pools of juice all pruny when you stomp in it.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

We are not alone

One day:

SETI will call Nasa who will call the department of defense who will call the president.

At 15:14 hours a signal was received, coming from somewhere in the small Magellenic Cloud system. It had repeating phrases of noise bursts but no apparent larger pattern. It was soon found that the inner "smaller" sinusoidal phrases could be restructured as decimals of Pi but no clearer message could be found in the bursts.

Purplexed the White House dispersed requests for proposals for any consultants or independent contractors who could decipher this message.

The world's decryption specialists, security experts, mathematicians and information theorists using the newest and most powerful computers set to work, but after two weeks there no coherent results could be found.

Then on the 14th day after receipt of the message, a scholar, one Timothy Conasthé working in Medieval astronomy department of University of California (which it should be noted recently and somewhat mysteriously received numerous grants from Lockheed-Martin) emailed an urgent memo to the DOD explaining that in one of the once lost and mostly discredited manuscripts of the Persian astronomer Abd al-Rahman al Sufi, it was prophesied, -or to be more exact derived from recently discovered  algorithms used to calculate trajectories of the stars- that a 'glowing being bearing idols and machinations of light and sound' would one day return to this sphere from eons of exploration and come to reclaim its apparent "Throne of the world." and rule us for the following 5 eons. The "Throne of the World" when translated from:  عرعرش العالم was previously dismissed as meaning "a chair hung in the lower canopy of the sky" and therefore metaphysical nonsense, but this scholar. In addition Abd Al-Rahman provided a nameبجعة الملكة meaning queen of the swans or "Swan Queen." According to the mysterious algorithmic results: This "Swan Queen" was supposed to come to earth from somewhere in the Magellenic cloud system sometime in the early 21st century.

Most of the administration in the white house scoffed at all this. And for that matter a large section of astronomers, astrophysicists and meteorologists, stated that using proper deductive reasoning from science. This is black and white. Occams razor and logic. Get your head out of your ass seti.  This is nothing! Just more noise from space, like you've been receiving since you started!

then. On the 59th day after receiving this message.

An intern at SETI was fucking around in his downtime. Using some open source video-decription software fed a series of 44.1kHz of dividual points taken from the sound samples of the message, and then processed into individual bmp files then again edited together at the timeline of the corresponding original sound file. He pressed render and waited. After coming back to his desk with a fresh black coffee and a danish...

The video flickered into focus after 3.14 seconds of technicoloric static bursts on his screen. ....

Friday, February 03, 2012

the JIM ACE affair CHECKITOUT!!!!!

Jim Ace looked like guy looks, average. Normal, dude.

I looked at him so, yeah, and I know what an average kind of guy looks like because I am a National Boundary Inspector. NBI's see all types cuz all types have to pass through the lines to live. What I mean is- sorry I'm not being explicit here.

Nowadays the only way to make a living is to move along to find work, to travel. Traveling. People travel. Its what free people do. The only folks who don't are the government like me. So I let ace through. Because, in addition to him looking normal, his trailer was clean. He checked out.

So then, you're telling me he was a spy.

He's a spy. Jesus Christ. All I saw was his skin.

Yes. We have to see their skin, what the fuck do you think?

How are we supposed to know who is government and who is not? Travelers' skin is chemically tattooed and ours is genetically tattooed. What is wrong with you? Journalism. These days. Shit.

Ink Journalism with real ink. That's how it used to be. Ink, facts. Yeah, sorry. Yeah I know you are just doing your job. Well. I was doing mine... So all I saw was his skin. And it was clean, like the trailer.

And I took Ace's picture and passed him through the proper scanners and took his tongue out and put it on the belt and it came out clean too.

What? Oh, that means it was COA: a Certified Oldsmith Appendage. I let him through. And then I saw the news. He was dead and had already leaked secrets. Red, red everywhere.

Well, the first thought I had was to tell my daughter to go put all our gold and copper etchings in the silo. Then I called my boss and he had to stay put, but "don't worry everything will be OK." And "don't do anything" meaning don't lock or unlock anything. I ate a milk-goat... Just one. USDA normal, like usual, and said a prayer and stayed put like he said.

The news said Ace was killed by an authorized asthma attack, That was how I knew there was something else going on because, like I said, his skin and trailer were clean. Health too.

The diagnostic machines are calibrated every day. I know cuz I have to use them on my own body to get into the facility, I see to it myself see?

The secrets are either Government or NGE. If they are NGE then its got to be an enemy of Oldsmith. If it is Government it has to be an enemy of Government. Can't be anything else.

Non-governmental Entities don't play games, they play money. Like, for example it could be something about Oldsmith's boundary rights fuck I don't know.

What? Cant be culture-poison. Culture-poison, that's just fucking absurd. Its not from anyone important celebrity-wise. I mean. The secrets are not definitely not art-terrorism because the ARTists like to make themselves known asap. And like, everyone moving all the time you know? Its not where you're from its where you're at. And there is no 'at' anymore! So it cant be style wars. It can't be traditional nationalism.

I'm from here. Government people- me and my wife and daughter. CanadAE. That's what we believe in so... no one is interested in being 'free to stay' anymore, the ad campaigns for Old "house and home" freedom (the freedom to stay within one boundary) don't work that way on us. We know who we are and we are Government. We stay because we always stayed and those who have to move move because it is our job to keep them moving....

Ace... Ace had his documentation registered in 2111, a year ago. So I didn't have to parse it for Non-g continuity or grammar.

It said he was a clown for Michelin, looked good to me and my boss. Why don't I think this is a tire issue? Rubber-trade secrets or something?

Cuz we know that his skin was institutionally grown. With powder by Academic Agencies and that means: my job is fucked.

My daughter will be apprehended and I will be neuralized.

We are skin checkers. That is what we are. Our union is a union of skin checkers. And it is bloody, bloody fortified.

Our history goes back to the days of stem-cell grants. NIH made us happen and NLRB had our back. But of course now there is no NIH. Academic Agencies have been independent NGE's for years now. Which means they do RFP-RFQ's... they contract their work out to whoever the fuck...

And if they can grow a sector's epidermal mass, whether NGE or Government, and make it look like either... then the Oldsmith machines have to be overhauled, and us NBI's have to be neuralized.

But you give me assurences. Nuralizers give pre-therapy I know what's coming.

This aint that? So what is it? Do you have a daughter? Ok then what do you have?


Our discussion ended there. Mr. Sherman wanted to be sure I would use his name in this article so I cannot disclose whether he has been neuralized or not.

[ touch here to FADE INTO WATER *only limited moneyed can touch* &privacy&policy FADE INTO WATER touch here]

Oldsmith industries chairman [NAME NOT GATHERED] has released a series of images which are touchable for 30 limited moneys but were not decrypted prior to their release so they will have to be factored into this article.

<------------------- To Factor Oldsmith Images TOUCH HERE

TOUCH HERE to know the truth without borrowing anything-------->

*credit is not available for account-holding GAMERS * If using a mobile device TOUCH HERE for a fixed port rate*

&privacy&policy J

Oldsmith industries limited chairman [NAME NOT GATHERED] Factored into the article:

“We are glad today. We are issuing 10,000 Diamond Class Supplimental-Group-Theory Shares

[AKA “known-shares’] to anyone who has information concerning ACE’s purpose and international backers. We are interested in swallowing them whole and I can assure you we will swallow them whole! That information is very valuable to us and we are offering to let any gatherers opt out of our Info-rights in its creation. The shares are our gift to you but you will also be made an honorary member of our Non Terror Class! Thankyou! Because we know this is a global security issue and it effects babies. Even the babies of any of you out there who are having them unauthorized. It will effect your children’s rights and duties and we love each and every one of you. Oldsmith has been in the business of loving each and every one of your babies for centuries now. Thankyou!”

[touch here to FADE INTO GLASS touch here]

[TOUCH HERE TO learn more about Oldsmith Chairman {name not gathered}’s parents, including their favorite meal course TOUCH HERE]

[touch here to FILE YOUR TAXES and remember you can also touch ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF THE SCREEN to contact the police THIN AIR IS FINE!]

[TOUCH here to know the truth without borrowing anything and how you can REFORM JOURNALIZM subscribe for free emails courtesy of our friends at DOWN-LOG]

Oldsmith industries limited chairman [NAME NOT GATHERED] NOT Factored into the article:

“Ace is a mole for a Negative Equity holding firm which we are investigating in partnership with the department of justice but whose notational origins are not currently known.

“The disclosure of information through CanadAE borders has released uncertainty into the markets and, while we will be debiting a $300,000 uncertainty fee from the treasury, which you will see on our itemized SUNSHINE tax releif settlement statement, we are certain that it will not have any effect on our stock price so no government job names or ranks will be cancelled or reissued at this time - outside of the unfortunate circumstances which have transpired, our friends at the the National Border Inspections agency chairman [NAME NOT GATHERED]’s face shining with tears will remain in place but will have to moratorium-defunded for the time being. We are always learning, and we are always giving, so we must make our choices right. Thankyou very much”

A separate email was sent and authorized by Oldsmith Spokesemail [THANKYOU for automatic factoring TOUCH HERE to find out more about automatic factoring ] which states “Oldsmith has been working closely with The TFBS, treaty framework for border security to make sure that our machine and personell standards reflect this unfortunate incident. Thankyou to our brave men and women and babies in the Government for your faithful service. Remember. You make the clock tick and we are greasing the great clock, but time is ours together.

[touch here to FILE YOUR TAXES and remember you can also touch ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF THE SCREEN to contact the police THIN AIR IS FINE!]

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Sugaragus Nation I want to do a whole fanfic empire for trisha tanaka from Lost

November 19, 2009 at 9:51pm · ·
Joshua Sigman

Sugaragus Nation  her nerdily improbable rise to becoming homecoming queen her haste to wed early after an unplanned pregnancythe postbachalaureate years, but she couldnt handle the organic chemestrythen a summer prepping for the lsat

November 19, 2009 at 9:51pm · ·
Joshua Sigman

Sugaragus Nation - when she saw on tv a weathergirl she used to know in middleschoolshe, the weathergirl used to be miss california.Tricia realizes she wants to be a glamorous broadcaster who has strong convictions.

November 19, 2009 at 9:50pm · ·
Joshua Sigman

Sugaragus Nation She works her way up and finaly begins shooting storys in long beach about surfers who almost get bitten by sharks.then the '94 earthquakes happen...

November 19, 2009 at 9:50pm · ·
Joshua Sigman

Sugaragus Nation a star is born. untill she finally meets, and acts all bitchy to Hugo that fateful day... the night before she had noticed the meteor shower in the sky.....

November 19, 2009 at 9:50pm · ·

Wednesday, March 31, 2010