Wednesday, March 12, 2014


There once was a lizard.

He died and went into another dimension.
When he landed on the moon in that dimension he noticed that his fingers were dipped in gold and that he was wearing black horn rimmed glasses.

The moonbots took one look at him and they said.


Whats that said the lizard?

You uffing know. You Reptile! You Hipster! You.... Hipzard!

No bots! I am not one of those! Just a freindly lizz.

Oh really? Prove it! Or wellll. Well Rip you!


Take off your coat, put a song in your throat, and let the dead-beats pound all around.

Ok. um... gimme a minute.

Liz walked over to the nearest moon dune and had a sit. How am I going to accomplish that? Whatever the fuck the moonbots just described? That they want me to do? Lizard began praying to Mighty Tim. The living god of Lizards since the time of the green v. brown lizard wars. It was said Mighty Tim came down and shook the green lizard leader and the Brown lizard leader and made them look at eachother and said. Look at you guys! You both got you some scales and boogly eyes! You are one and the same! Now love one another before its too late and eat some bugs and go bang lizzie ladies and watch out for snakes and birds and cats. THOSE are your enemz. Remember. Venemz and Beaks and Claws. Venemz and Beaks and Claws!

Oh Mighty Tim. You never mentioned Moon Bots!

Just then the green sky ope'd, and Mighty Tim came down to the dune.

Mighty Tim Is that you? 

Mighty Tim said. Lizard. I'm dead too. I cant do shit for ya dude. But, you should know.

The reason for the hipster glasses. you see, you're just here for a spell. This world is not your home. You're just passing through. And before you are on the next one, you have to prove yourself in each realm on your death journey into the Great Wide White. 

Oh. Is that why I am seeing all of these tracers?

Yes. That is why you are seeing all of those tracers.


....I see them too man. I see them too.


Yeah. Anyway when you get plunked down on this moon from the earth life you just came from that guy, wuzzis name? Oh I think its Trent Reznor? Well, the guy who made and makes the rules? He made an edict which states: When the souls of boogly eyed things gets fwapped up into the sky after death they must be prepared to see what they need to see like the front faced eyed among us. So It shall be heretofore made thus: They shall be given specs.

Oh. Ok. Um.... well so then why these guys don't like me?

Because there was once another race on this here moon. I put an end to them myself. Names was the Holly Buddies. They were nothing like Buddy Holly. In fact they were the opposite, but they all looked like him and they made things awful. Among the great travesties they wrought were: Peeling the flesh off moonbots for fun, stealing the gloworbs from their resting place in the great temple of the callipygian honeys, separating the great sands betwixt.... and flooding the deltawhirls. Fuck those guys.

Ok. thankyou Mighty T. But lemme ask you-

OHP! No more time to chat! I have to blast. Good luck dude!!!! Wooooooahhh

Mighty Tim lifted off, above a great conflagration of cloud balls and shot up into the sky. The last the lizard saw of him was a wisen'd glint in this mighty if to say: Lizard. Do your thing.

Oh woe now what? thought the Lizard, feeling Ill.

What did they say "Take off your coat?" But I'm not wearing one!?... Oh wait a minute ! I can shed my shit!

He squeezed and he squeezed and then shed his skin.

Oh man that felt good! Ok now what? "Put a song in your throat!" Well... I suppose I could sing? Is that what that means?

He started to hum Everyday by buddy holly because Mighty Tim had just mentioned it.... then Lizard continued on thinkin. Ok.... well. what was that last thing..... "Let the Dead Beats pawn all raw?" "Hell! eat the dead bats?" 

What did he say? Damn I don't remember it quite right.

Just then a huge wind blew over the dune and into the lizards face. It felt like a great storm was coming. Lizard peered into the moon desert and wondered if he would need to burrow down or something. Suddenly he heard a buzzing sound. Some bee looking things, which were bees, started to slowly land on like a bump in a clearing beneath the dune.... Shit perhaps I should inspect thought the lizard.

He cautiously sauntered over while more and more bees came down to the mound. He could see something writhing under all of the bees.

"..... hhhh he hellllllp......" he heard a voice say.

Oh man this thing is getting all kinds of smothered and maybe stung maybe I should do something?
The lizard whipped his tail back and forth (and the tracers were epic) and the bees started to disperse... revealing one lonely looking thug with a knocked over ducati motorcycle.

Hey thanks man those bees were not joking around

Oh its not a problem. My name is lizard.

I'm Handgun Henstridge. Oye Can you help me get the bike back up?

Sure.... here.... said Lizard. They propped up the bike and Handgun Henstridge started straddle up on the thing. 
Here, hop on up man! I'll take you back to the bar and we could do some shots and I could pay you back for your bee deed.

Oh.... well Ok but I have to do something first otherwise the moonbots told me they are going to rip me. 

Oh those guys? Yeah I've seen them do that before. To a buddy of mine. They were not joking around. What do you need to do? 

They said I have to prove to them that I'm not a Repster. And that I have to "Let the head beets found down a brown crown?"

Fuck you talking about man?

I d'ont know. Lizard frowned bad. I guess I should just give up. Times two. Lizard started thinking what it would be like to get ripped by the moonbots. Did that mean he would be dead again? did that mean he would be in alot of pain? The lizard really didn't like pain. Pain is not something that this lizard needed in his life, any more than you or me. He put his lizard hands on his head.

Hmmm.... wait guy. I think.... Did you say they said "Let the Dead Beats Pound all around?" 

Hey! Yeah thats what they said! Do you know what it means?

No but I think I know somebuh that do.


Yeah man Hop on pop!


Get on the Bike!!!

Just then Lizard felt a weird sense of something. Like Handgun Henstridge maybe wasn't looking out for his best interests. 

Dude I just told you I have to take care of this first.

No you don't! We can come back when we talk to my guy.

Who is your guy?

You don't know him. Just be cool man.Hop on up here and well go visit my guy. Here let me just type his name in my GPS.

Henstridge started reaching for something in the front of his bike. Before he knew what he was doing Lizard tail whipped him good. Knocked a gun out his mitts.

I knew it! You like to shot guns don't you?

Well, Duh! My momma named thusly me di'n'she?  Handgun reached quick for his crotch, where he was known to keep another heater in his days.

Lizard flipped over his front and did a tail slam all flashy and looked knocked the Henstridge and bike back down into the dirt. Take that bitch.Take that Bitch! Lizard was feeling good beating dudes ass but also in a few minutes felt the moral issues involved.

If I leave this guy the bees will come back and they will finish him off. Should I take part in something like that? Is that what Mighty Tim would think was a good idea in this situation? Would I be able to live with myself. Shit.
Lizard put the bike on top of of Handgun and sat down on top of that.... hmmm.... should I wait here? Are the moonbots going to come back? What should I do with my life? 

The wind was getting colder and colder. I have to get underground the Lizard thought. I cant let the dead beats pound if I freeze to death. Lizard started digging, so that he could get Henstridge, the bike and himselves bodies could be under the dirt but they're nostrils (well, the bike didn't need to breathe at least) above ground. This is tough thought Lizard, the grown was harder than he thought it was going to be.... but he dug and dug and got the feeling like he was almost finished, he had made three good ditches when suddenly the dirt beneath the ditch he was digging for the bike started to quicksand. It poured into a big opening beneath. And suddenly they were all falling down.

They landed in a crumple, Henstridge, the Bike and the Lizard. But nobody's back got fucked up. Lizard got up and looked around. It was the living room of the moonbots and they had just popped Transformers 2 into the dvd player. Two moonbots on the couch looked pissed off.

Hey REPSTER whathefuckyoudoing in our den? We are watching this dvd.

Lizard couldn't think of anything to say in the glow of the bigscreen'd FBI warnings. Henstridge started grunting and rubbing his temples. The Bike didn't say anything.

Bitchin Ducati! said a moonbot. Hey shh its starting. The surround sound was fucking excellent.
Wait! Lizard said. Pause it!

uhh.... the other moonbot pointed the remote at the DVD player and paused it.

Thankyou. Moonbots. I aint a Repster. And I dont know what you want of me, but as you can see I have shed my coat and I sang a sweet melody song.... but guys, I don't know how to let the dead beats pound all around.

Fuck man cant we just watch our movie? We will rip you afterwards.

What. Do you want me to do to prove my Non Repster Status!


Wait, said Lizard, do you want to take these? You can keep the bike and this asshole, and....forget about the Deadbeats Pounding thing? You can have these guys and let me go? 

Sure. Sounds good. Lets watch this movie now. 

And, will you.... promise to feed him, this guy?

Ok, he is kind of cute. Dude? said a moonbot to Henstridge. Want some popcorn?

Yeah thankyou.... Said Henstridge as he crawled towards and then sat down on the couch and soon him and the bots were mesmirized by the action packed wonders of the great and mighty Autobots. Nobody could see or sense it but the Ducati was smiling....

The lizard started to vibrate and helicopter his tail upward so he rise get up above the caved in ceiling and leave the moon surface behind. He felt a great buoyancy to his being and felt like he had done the right thing and proven himself in this realm.

On to the next one. thought the lizard....

On to the next one indeed. Said the narrator

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